


Attraction Rituals

by ioanite



Category: Humans Are Space Orcs (Meme), humans are weird - Fandom
Genre: Explanations, F/M, Light-Hearted, Yuletide Treat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:27:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21947308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ioanite/pseuds/ioanite
Summary: Dating and mating are only one word apart. There are other differences, of course, but sometimes that's a bit difficult to explain to outsiders.
Comments: 12
Kudos: 47
Collections: Yuletide 2019





	Attraction Rituals

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Gehayi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gehayi/gifts).



> Happy Yuletide, Gehayi!

Zerze knocked on the door to Ensign Kendall’s quarters. “Come in!” she called, and Zerze obligingly pushed the button that allowed her entry.

“Apologies for interrupting you off-duty, Ensign,” Zerze said as she stepped inside, “But I need more details on the incident in Engineering yester…”

Zerze trailed off as she finally registered what she was seeing. Kendall was standing in front of her mirror, holding two hangars that each had a long, colorful piece of cloth on them. Kendall was holding one of them to her chest, frowning at it, before repeating the action with the other cloth. “What are you doing?” Zerze asked.

Kendall turned around and grinned at her. “Colin in Medical asked me to go to dinner with him when we get to Buvyox Station. I’m just trying to figure out what I should wear. Actually, I’m glad you’re here; you can tell me which one you think looks better on me.”

Zerze blinked, nonplussed. She had quickly come to understand that Humans, unlike Consutu and most of the other species out here, required cloth to cover themselves and protect their easily punctured skin from damage. That was why the Humans and Consutu had worked together to design a uniform out of a tough material that could withstand high heat, low cold, and was difficult to pierce with weapons. She also knew that Humans would wear different clothes for different activities, like exercising or sleeping. This was probably another reason for new clothes, but Zerze couldn’t understand these particular outfits. One came down to the floor, and looked like it was made of cloth even more fragile than Human skin. The other was covered in small, shiny dots, and only came down to Kendall’s knees, leaving the rest of her legs exposed. Furthermore, the long outfit was a light pink, while the other was a mix of gold and silver, all of which were colors that attracted attention and made one a more likely target. And the bottom didn’t seem to provide adequate protection to the reproductive areas, which the male Humans on the ship, at least, seemed to think was of paramount importance. It didn’t seem very practical at all.

Kendall, oblivious to Zerze’s confusion, turned around and held the pink cloth to her body, then did the same thing with the gold and silver one. “What do you think?”

“I’m…not sure why it matters, Ensign. Why can you not wear your normal uniform, or those ‘jeans’ you have?”

“Because this is a date-date, not a casual date.” Kendall must have seen the baffled look on her Zerze’s face, because she started to look confused as well. “Do you not have dating on Shezu?”

Zerze shook her head, vaguely recalling the term from her Spaceflight training. “When Consutu females are prepared to mate, they search for males that they find appealing and announce their intention. We do speak for a bit beforehand to exchange professions and generally determine how much time the male will be able or willing to give to assist with the rearing of the children, and we often share some food in-between mating sessions to keep up our energy. Is that similar to ‘dating’?”

Kendall made a face. “I honestly don’t know if that sounds like you skip right to the good stuff or if you’re taking all the fun out of it. I mean, _technically_ it could count as a date, but that’s not the way Humans go about it. Well, I guess a few people might, but…” she shrugged. “Part of the fun of dating is getting to know the other person, to see if you like them enough to spend the rest of your life with them.”

“Ah, yes, you’re generally a monogamous species,” Zerze said with a nod, “But that still doesn’t explain your wanting to wear different clothes. If you are spending the rest of your life together, then surely wearing the clothes you typically wear gives them a sense of what to expect.”

“I mean, you’re not wrong,” Kendall said with a laugh, turning back to her mirror, “But we like to make it special, especially on a serious date. It’s kind of like…trying to make sure another species likes and trusts you when you make first contact.”

Zerze considered, then nodded. “I believe I see what you mean, though I still don’t think I fully understand. I presume that it would be awkward if I came along on your date to try to understand through observation?”

“Not unless you’re ‘prepared to mate’ and want to bring your chosen guy along on a double date.” Kendall responded, laughing apologetically when she caught sight of Zerze’s face in the mirror. “Never mind. Short answer is yes. But I can try to get more specific about it, if you want. Heck, I can try to explain it in writing, if that would be easier.”

“I’ll consider it,” Zerze said, remembering her original reason for coming to Kendall’s quarters, “But speaking of things in writing, I need to complete this report. Can you tell me more about the Wirnob leak?” Then, after taking another look at the two garments, she added with a slight smile, “And I think the pink one is nicer.”

Kendall beamed at her, hanging the gold and silver cloth back in her closet as she started to elaborate on how the Wirnob had started venting gas after Crewman Wayne had missed a wrench that Kendall had tossed at him. As she talked and answered Zerze’s questions, she lay the pink outfit on her bed, then went over to her closet and pulled out a small box. Opening it, she extracted a tiny bottle filled with a gold liquid, and then several long, glittering strings of varying lengths and thicknesses. Some were silver, some gold, a few were multicolored, and some had little shapes hanging off of them. She then started putting the strings to different sections of the pink cloth, taking some away immediately but leaving others there. Eventually, overcome by curiosity, Zerze waited for a break in Kendall’s report to ask “What are you doing now?”

“Trying to decide which jewelry goes best with this dress.” Kendall answered, as she set the rejected strings back in the box. Then she glanced over at Zerze. “You probably don’t know what that is either, huh?” When Zerze nodded sheepishly (while feeling baffled for being so sheepish), Kendall brought over the box for closer inspection. Zerze lifted the strings out one by one, realizing that the colored ones were actually made up of different stones. “These are necklaces,” Kendall said, holding up a gold string—chain, rather, as they were all made of metal—with a green, oval stone dangling off it, “They go around your neck.” She held the chain to her neck to demonstrate. “These smaller ones are bracelets, which go around the wrists. There are also pins, which you put on your clothing, rings for your fingers, and earrings which go in your ears. But I don’t want to go _too_ over the top this time out.”

“Yes, but what are they _for_?” Zerze asked, “And why do you prefer some jewelry items over others?”

“Some jewelry just doesn’t match with your clothes,” Kendall said, “Like, the green peridot clashes with the pink, while the pale blue kind of blends with it in a pleasing way.” When Zerze gave her another baffled look, Kendall shook her head. “I don’t think I can explain it very well. I’ll see if I can send you some studies on color theory or something. As for why jewelry’s a thing, it’s just something women like to wear to help feel pretty. Though sometimes we use the necklaces to draw attention to our boobs as a form of encouragement.”

 _That_ , Zerze understood. It was like how species like the Paon used their skin markings to show that they were viable mates. In fact, they believed that the brighter colors were more likely to attract each other. Perhaps the metallic nature of the jewelry served a similar purpose for Human women. She nodded. “I see. And what does that bottle do?”

“Oh, that’s perfume,” Kendall said, moving to get the bottle, “We just use that to make ourselves smell nice.”

Zerze understood that too. Lots of species used pheromones to attract mates; even Consutu were influenced by them to some extent. This was probably used to enhance a Human’s natural scent. She obligingly sniffed the bottle when Kendall held it out, a little surprised that it smelled more like those edible plants the Humans called “fruit” instead of something more heady, but she supposed Kendall didn’t want to make her intentions _too_ obvious. “I believe Ensign Colin will be very pleased with all the effort you’re putting in,” she said, “And I’m sure he must be doing the same for you.”

Kendall burst out laughing. Zerze was taken aback. “Sorry,” Kendall said after a moment, still chuckling, “But guys generally put _way_ less thought into this. Assuming they’re taking it seriously, they’ll shower and shave, and put on some nice clothes, but they don’t color-coordinate and they don’t accessorize too much. Heck, they really only start getting ready for a date the day it’s going to happen!”

“That seems…unfair,” Zerze said with a frown, “Shouldn’t the men prove they’re just as invested as the women are?”

“Oh, they do, but in different ways. They bring us presents like flowers or chocolate on the date, and often act like idiots to try to impress us. It doesn’t always work, but at least they’re trying. What really matters is if they keep asking us out. _That’s_ the proof of their investment.”

Zerze still didn’t think the matter was entirely balanced, but Kendall seemed satisfied with the arrangement. Besides, Humans wouldn’t have lasted on that planet of theirs if they hadn’t found a system that worked, so she wasn’t in much of a position to judge. She just nodded and finished filling out the report. “I believe that’s everything, Ensign,” she said, “I’ll leave you to your preparations. Would it be rude to wish you luck on your…date?”

Kendall grinned and shook her head. “No. Not for a first date, at least. And thanks.”

Zerze nodded again and left Kendall’s quarters, still turning everything over in her head. She could tell there would be another night of trying to parse all of this with her fellow Consutu. Humans really were hard to get a handle on, sometimes.

***

After the talk with Kendall and the subsequent discussion among the Consutu that night, Zerze mostly put the incident out of her mind, though now she noticed whenever a female Human crewman wore jewelry or a sweet scent and assumed a date was in the offing. She also made it a game of sorts to glance at the women when they were docked at a spaceport or station, looking for telltale signs of an impending date. But she decided not to pry too much, since she didn’t want to make it look like a superior officer was trying to interfere in her crew’s love life.

About six months after she’d learned about dating, the ship was hit with a strain of Fivcalci, one of those annoying diseases that no one had managed to cure yet. The Consutu recovered in the usual ten days, but the Humans had a rougher go of it, most of them confined to the medical bay or their quarters for at least three weeks. Ensign Colin, the medical assistant, was the last one to succumb. The Humans said it was probably because his body didn’t want to give in until the worst had passed, though they weren’t really able to explain how that worked, or if it was even a real thing or just luck. Zerze attributed it to another one of the Humans’ odd foibles and let it be, focusing her attention instead on the running of the ship, noting Colin’s condition via the reports sent from Doctor Libaax.

By a stroke of good fortune, Colin recovered and was returned to light duty on the same day they were due to arrive at Higstrum Spaceport for resupply and maintenance. The crew were to be given leave for the duration, though it was understood that they would return to the _Piryd_ should their assistance be required. After they’d docked and Zerze had helped Captain Iljun make arrangements for the next day, she went to visit Ensign Colin to see if he was fit to work and take leave, as both the doctor and a senior officer needed to sign off on these things.

When Colin said she could enter, she walked inside to an unexpected sight. Colin was on his feet, which was a good sign, but he was also bending over his bunk, holding strips of cloth to a black piece of clothing that looked like a thinner yet more graceful version of the jackets Humans wore off duty. Zerze cocked her head curiously; the gesture was familiar, yet it wasn’t quite the same. Despite her intent to remain professional, she asked “Are you choosing jewelry?”

“What?” Colin said, looking over at her in some surprise, “No, I’m picking a tie.”

“But you’re clearly trying to see which small decorative piece goes with your clothes, like women do with jewelry.”

“You raise a good point,” Colin said with a smile and a faint laugh, “But while they’re similar actions, most men don’t wear jewelry. We use ties and pocket squares instead.”

“Am I to presume this also has to do with dating?”

Colin nodded, and while his face was still pale from the illness, some red came into his cheeks. “And more than that, I hope. But I guess a lot depends on your report. Libaax says I’m good to go as long as I don’t overexert myself, though.”

Zerze nodded, having already read Libaax’s report, and beckoned for Colin to stand at attention in the middle of the room. Then she walked around him, scrutinizing him carefully. His breathing was a bit labored, there was the pale face, and he still carried the scent of the sickbed, but there was no sign of shivering or sweat, even after she had him stand at ease and repeated the process. Once she’d completed the second circuit, she gave another nod. “I agree with Doctor Libaax’s report. As long as you remain on light duties for the next few days and don’t do a lot of running, I believe you are clear to continue work, and to have your leave on the spaceport.”

Colin sighed and relaxed. “Thank you, Commander. I appreciate that, and I hope Kendall will too.”

“Ah, so you have continued to date her, then.” Zerze said with a smile.

Colin smiled back, the redness coming back to his face. “Yes. In fact…will you promise to keep this a secret?”

Zerze still didn’t understand the Human’s attitude towards secrets. Keeping orders to yourself was one thing, but where Consutu shared everything about their personal lives with each other, Humans often had things they didn’t want to talk about, not even with their friends. Yet they still felt compelled to share these things with those they were close to, and were angry if their secrets were repeated. But then there were times when it seemed like they _encouraged_ the spreading of secrets. As a superior officer, she chose to follow the rule that something told to her in confidence would remain in confidence, and thus she nodded in answer to Colin’s question.

Colin returned to picking out a tie. “I’m going to ask Kendall to marry me tomorrow night.”

“That’s wonderful news!” Zerze said sincerely. Even if Consutu weren’t monogamous, they understood happy relationships, and she’d heard enough stories from Humans to know that most of them loved being bonded, or married as they called it. If it made Colin and Kendall happy and didn’t detract from their work, then she would give it her full support.

“Thank you,” Colin said, “Since she spent nearly all her free time looking in on me when I was sick and not looking, feeling, or acting my best, I’m pretty sure she’ll say yes, but I want to encourage her as much as possible. Hence all this.”

He gestured to the clothes on the bed, and Zerze took a closer look at them. Much like the impractical dresses that women wore on dates, these clothes didn’t look like they’d offer much protection in a fight. In fact, if the tie was designed to go around the neck, as it appeared to, it looked like it could be used against the wearer to cut off their breath. The jacket also had buttons instead of a more practical zipper, and the various pieces looked smooth and almost stiff, like they had been designed not to move much. Truth be told, it didn’t look all that comfortable, but Humans clearly were more tolerant of such things.

“Will you be wearing perfume too?”

“It’s called ‘cologne’ if it’s meant for men, but yes. I’d probably have put some on anyway to make absolutely sure I didn’t smell like the medbay, but given my bout with Fivcalci, it’s more important than ever. Like I said, I want everything to be perfect, both for her and for me.”

“Well then, I wish you good luck. But try not to get too excited about it; we wouldn’t want you to have a relapse because of your nerves.”

“You have a point,” Colin said, nodding solemnly, “I should probably shower and try to get some rest. Thank you, Commander.”

Zerze inclined her head and left his quarters. As she made her way down the hall, she shook her head and let out a rumbling chuckle. Despite what Kendall had said, it seemed like Human males put a fair amount of effort into dating after all. Yet another thing to puzzle over with her shipmates, it seemed.

(Said puzzlement would last for another three months, as Kendall and her fellow Human females started talking about wedding plans. It seemed that things somehow got even _more_ complicated once the dating period had ended. Clearly, the best xenopologists in the world would never be able to fully understand Humans.)

**Author's Note:**

> Since relationships and dating are a core part of the story, I've tagged it as f/m. But since it's more a sideways look at a relationship than the true focus, let me know if you think it should be tagged gen and I'll make the change.


End file.
